Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy. Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Old Guy,

The other morning I was in a restaurant enjoying my breakfast when a loud, repetitive sound disturbed the peace. Some kid in a booth was swinging his legs and making a racket. Sounded like a bass drum in a marching band. After a few minutes, and not even seeing the mother try to talk to the child about the noise, I finally went over to her and politely pointed out that the banging was really loud and requested she talk to her son. She was very snippy and responded: “He’s only two. There’s nothing I can do about it.”

This mother acted as if I had the problem! I’ve raised a couple of kids and I know there is something you can do about it, but it requires some effort. I was disgusted by the mother’s attitude but walked away quietly none the less. A few minutes later, I guess it was the grandfather, joined them at the table and, trust me, the banging stopped with just a look from him… to the mom! How would you have handled it?

Signed, Sick of lazy parents

Dear Sick of,

I think you handled it perfectly. Wait until that kid is older and bigger and stronger. That is not the time to start saying no.

I recall my own three-year-old not wanting to behave respectfully when we were in a restaurant. I cautioned her, then, when the behavior continued I placed her swiftly over my shoulder and carried her out as she screamed. When Alicia calmed down and promised to behave I told her we could go back in. Unfortunately, in all the mayhem, I forgot to snuff out the fuse on her dynamite, which we had left at the table, and the place blew to smithereens. Anyway, we never had another incident like that again! —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

I love my daughter very much. She lives with me half the time and I cherish everything about her. Bonnie, at 12, has a real sense of style and is always careful in her appearance; of course that doesn’t extend to how she keeps her room but that’s another letter.

What I am writing about today is that for her birthday last fall she used some of her present money to buy a bottle of perfume. A big bottle. It came in a gallon gerry jug, if that gives you some idea of just how expensive a perfume it is she bought. Needless to say, knowing she will never run out; she applies Ode de La Bathe very liberally. Essentially she reeks and after she goes to school our home smells like a Chinese whorehouse. I don’t want this issue to become a bone of contention between Bonnie and I but it’s so bad I’ve seen the cats try to cover up the bottle. I know her mother doesn’t allow any perfume. Suggestions?

Signed, With nostrils flared

Dear With nostrils,

I’m just as interested in how you know the scent of a Chinese whorehouse! I’m sure that’s a story and a half.

OK, here’s the thing. You have a teenage daughter, albeit one you can smell from across the street. If this is your only issue with her, then leave it alone unless you have a serious medical reaction to the gasoline she’s applying.

If you are not willing to leave well enough alone then there are two things you might try. First one is, get a large bottle of a potent liquid used by barber’s called Lilac Vegetal. It’s green in a tall clear bottle. Next time you are with Bonnie dowse yourself liberally with the stuff, being sure to get some on your clothes as well. I think, after a time, your young lady will come to learn the concept too much of a good thing… as for your skin reacting to the Lilac Vegetal , don’t worry, the rash eventually fades and after a healthy dose of summer sun the blotchiness is hardly noticeable.

Another approach is to finally sit down with Bonnie and have the talk. At 12 she’s old enough to know the facts about Spontaneous Human Combustion and its causes. After all, who is better to educate her than her own father? There’s a good deal of information online through the S.H.C. survivors website. Best of luck to both of you and keep that extinguisher handy! —O.G. 

Dear Old Guy,

I’m a 12-year-old — almost teenager — girl. I get along great with my dad and live with him about half the time. We have one problem that I guess is really getting out of hand. He is constantly farting, passing wind, and tooting in front of me. He thinks it’s funny. I don’t and the smell is so bad that last fall I took some of my birthday money and bought the biggest bottle of perfume I could and, just before going to school everyday I splash it all over the house. Sometimes I get some on myself but that’s a small price to pay. I feel bad for the cats because they won’t even sit in his lap anymore. Please tell me what to do before I have to suffer through his gas and a new bottle of cheap perfume!

Signed, Love my dad, butt

Dear Love my dad,

I wish you had written to me sooner. All I’ll say is, that if you see your father come home with a package containing a bottle labeled Lilac Vegetal, run, don’t walk, run to your mother’s house and have her apply to the court for full custody. So sorry, young lady, I think I goofed. —O.G.